What's in this box?

In this box is the moment you've been waiting for,
The chance to make everything good, now and forever,
For you, your family, even your friends.
And it comes with a five-year warranty,
And a variety of attractive payment plans.

In this box, there's something that creates,
Just by its very presence,
An atmosphere so fresh and energizing,
That for a moment it makes you recall
The long-lost power and beauty of your youth.

Just look how differently people react to each other,
As this box is passed from hand to hand,
Accepted by face after smiling face,
Enjoyed with just a hint
Of sensuality

In this box, there is adventure itself.
The real thing, like Peter Pan,
And Spider Man, and James Bond,
All rolled into one.

But you don't need to run the risks
Of fighting evil or trying to fly to Monte Carlo
On your maxed-out credit card,
Just sit back in this huge cage of metal and glass
And speed along winding alpine roads
At a hundred miles an hour.

Did we mention
The payment plans?

In this box, my friend,
Is something that's just the kind of thing
For good old boys, like you and me.
I mean, you know me, don't you?
I bet I remind you of some goofy guy
You go out drinking with once in a while.
Am I right?
I'm right.

In this box, well, this box is very special indeed.
The people who take things out of this box
Are people of the highest quality, refined and demure
Laughing light, tinkling laughs at elegant cocktail parties,
They are sexy but not sexual, dancing lightly
round each other's body language,
Lit by candles in the dusk,
Perfect creatures.

THIS BOX IS JUST CRAZY!!!
THERE ARE SO MANY COOL THINGS IN THIS BOX,
IT WILL MAKE YOU LEAP - RIGHT - OUT - OF - YOUR - SKIN!!!!!
I MEAN IT!!!
LOOK AT ME!!!!
I HAVE SO LITTLE SELF-CONTROL,
I JUST CAN'T KEEP MYSELF QUIET
ABOUT HOW ABSOLUTELY COOL AND CRAZY AND AMAZING
THE FANTASTIC THINGS IN THIS INCREDIBLE BOX ARE!!!!
AND YOU CAN GET IT NOW!!!!!!! AT CARREFOUR!!!!!
THAT'S RIGHT!
CA!!!-RE!!!!-FOUR!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Let's not beat around the bush, you old letch,
I know what you want, it's flesh, isn't it?
Well, if you buy what's in this box, just look here,
This sweet young thing in these tight, tight shorts,
Barely even clothes at all, are they?
And look at how her nipples point out at you
from under that tiny little T-shirt.
She's just begging for it.
How would that cutesy little smile look
staring up from between your saggy old thighs?

In this box, ladies, there's something we all need.
Let's face it, a woman's life is so demanding, isn't it girls?
All those things we do all day, like being ditzy at the bakery,
And getting kind of embarrassed
when the cute guy runs after you
to give you your purse,
And then making the house just perfect
For your husband to come home to,
It's all so hard on your poor skin!

So open this box and feel young again,
Be smoother
And whiter
And thinner
And look good in your underwear,
Be what your husband wants you to be.
And even so,
Hold onto your innocence.
It's quite a trick.

We have searched the world for this box,
And we did it in calm, timeless harmony
With our environment.
Its contents have been used for centuries
By wise old women in the Peruvian Andes
To protect their skin
From the beautiful sunshine
Of a distant summer,
And they have selflessly shared their knowledge with us
To make your hair lustrous and bright.
And to make you feel, for one brief, vapid moment,
That you are doing something
About the rape your species has perpetrated
On the land of its birth.

In this box is, quite literally, the future.
When you open this box, you are joining
In a wave of technological discovery
That passes in shining ripples around our planet.
You will become a surfer, riding that wave, forging the way,
Starting out on making the world a bright and exciting place
For your children and your grandchildren.
Where you will see them succeed.

In this box is love.
It is purity itself.

Long before
You ever felt guilt,
Before you had lost
The original innocence
Of your earliest childhood,
You knew this unending love.

This primal love,
This essence of the unfettered heart,
Shining despite the mud and dust of the busy world,

This love is available just for you
At our exclusive counter in the perfume department.

This box is just for
Honest people,
Strong people,
Like you and me.
Good citizens,
The backbone of America.
You know,
The kind of people you'd like
In your neighbourhood.
Those kind of friendly,
But real respectful types?

Well they like what's in this box a lot.
It's something they love to get together and use,
In a real friendly way, just a-sharin' it neighbourly-like,
And all havin' a fine old time, I do declare.
Want some, friend?

In this box is a drink for a comfortable man.
It's the sort of thing you drink sat in a red leather armchair,
Lightly holding between your fingers an expensive cigar,
The kind smoked by a powerful businessman
Heading into an early retirement
Which he will spend golfing and dining at a club,
And being a strong father
To a rather intangible family.

This drink will make you feel, for a moment,
That your life is more like his.
That you have not fallen short of all your goals,
That your youth has not been squandered,
And that you did not make all the wrong choices.
So why don't you just drink it and forget, old man?




(please stop opening the boxes)